Two and a Half Men
The funniest Quotes & GIFs
-
Charlie, there is a half-naked woman in our kitchen.
AlanCharlie, there is a half-naked woman in our kitchen.CharlieWhich half? -
Girls in my school think they can control the world
JakeGirls in my school think they can control the world just because they have boobs.AlanI hate to tell you... but they kinda do. -
When Viagra first came out I thought he was gonna die.
BertaKnow how they say if your erection lasts for more than four hours you should call your doctor? He'd just call another girl. -
The damage has been done.
CharlieThe damage has been done. All that's left to do now is drink until the part of brain that creates mental pictures is dead. -
The day you start accepting limitations is the day...
CharlieThe day you start accepting limitations is the day you start dying, and I am not dying, my friend. I am living life to the fullest. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go throw up and take a nap. -
It takes more than just sex to make a man happy.
JakeYou are usually in a good mood because you have sex.CharlieJake, it takes more than just sex to make a man happy. You also need money. -
My life stinks.
CharlieHey, there he is. How's it going, buddy?JakeMy life stinks.CharlieCheer up, you're still a kid. It's gonna get much worse. -
People say that alcohol cause many deaths
CharliePeople say that alcohol cause many deaths but they don't say how many people were born because of it. -
Money does not buy happiness.
WaldenTrust me. Money does not buy happiness.AlanI wouldn't know. I've never had either. -
Been drinking heavier than usual?
Dr.Been drinking heavier than usual?CharlieJust the occasional glass of wine with dinner.Dr.And how many dinners have you had today. -
My past is divided between thinks I can't remember...
CharlieMy past is divided between things I can't remember and things I don't want to. -
Were you at least close?
ChelseaAre you asking me if I had an orgasm, Charlie?CharlieYeah, but I'm trying to be cute about it.ChelseaNo, I did not. But it doesn't matter. It was wonderful.CharlieWere you at least close?ChelseaYes, I was close.CharlieWell, that's a start. Now, when you were close, what was I doing?ChelseaYou were downstairs getting a beer. -
I feel like the universe is playing some horrible...
AlanI feel like the universe is playing some horrible practical joke on me.CharlieWow, I lost 8000 dollar playing poker, I have no idea where my car is, threw up in my mouth three times, and I'm still having a better night than you are. -
Do you think I've been a good role model?
Charlie...do you think I've been a good role model?JakeYou drink, you gamble, you have different women here practically every night. You're the best role model a guy could want! -
I might have to write a book report.
JakeI might have to write a book report for Monday!!AlanWhat do you mean you might have to write a book report?JakeI mean if there's no earthquake by Monday morning, I have to write a book report. -
There's a special section in Hell reserved for...
AlanThere's a special section in Hell reserved for people like you.CharlieThat's good, because I'd hate to have to stand in line. -
It seems like yesterday I could party all night
CharlieIt seems like yesterday I could party all night and eat and drink anything I wanted to. Now, a couple of Red Bulls and a waffle and I'm sitting in the emergency room, praying for a fart. -
I'm looking for my daughter
DorothyListen, I'm looking for my daughter.AlanDrunk blonde?DorothyWell, she isn't always blonde. -
Hide Chester.
JakeHide Chester.CharlieHow am I supposed to hide him? Sit under him with a pail and pretend he's a cow. -
Looks like you had a tough night.
AlanLooks like you had a tough night.CharlieNo, the night was great. It's the morning that's killing me!