Two and a Half Men

The funniest Quotes & GIFs

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The funniest Two and a Half Men quotes, GIFs and memes, starring Charlie Harper, Alan Harper, Jake Harper and Berta. 63 gags, voted by fans: Hot shows the most upvoted, Fresh the newest, Top 10 the best-of lists.

#Charlie Harper #Alan Harper #Jake Harper #Berta #Evelyn Harper #Walden Schmidt #Judith Harper #Norman #Mia #Rose #Kandi #Dorothy

You do the best you can to raise them
HarveyWell, you know, you do the best you can to raise them [children], and in the end, they drive down life's highway on their own.
EvelynIsn't that the truth? I think God gives us children so death won't come as such a disappointment.
#Two and a Half Men #Evelyn Harper
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You know what the problem is?
CharlieYou know what the problem is? The women, the drinking... you guys look at me and you think it's easy.
#Two and a Half Men #Charlie Harper
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I understand
CharlieWhen I say, "I understand", it doesn't mean I understand. It doesn't mean I agree. It doesn't even mean I'm listening.
#Two and a Half Men #Charlie Harper
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You smell like strawberries.
JakeYou smell like strawberries.
SophieIt's my lip gloss.
JakeDoes it taste like it smells?
SophieYou want to find out?
JakeSure.
#Two and a Half Men #Jake Harper #Sophie
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Charlie on Jakes future
CharlieWith his grades, he might as well get used to pushing shopping carts around.
AlanAre you saying my son's gonna end up working in a supermarket?
CharlieNo, I'm saying he's probably gonna end up homeless.
#Two and a Half Men #Alan Harper #Charlie Harper
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Berta is not holding back
CharlieI got a rash in my, you know, private area.
BertaPrivate? You get more traffic you're gonna have to open a Starbucks.
#Two and a Half Men #Berta #Charlie Harper
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That's your big secret?
AlanWait a minute, that's your big secret? Alcohol?
CharlieDon't tell anybody.
AlanIsn't that just a temporary solution?
CharlieIt's only temporary if you stop drinking.
#Two and a Half Men #Alan Harper #Charlie Harper
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Be sure to wear a condom, not everything stays in...
AlanBe sure to wear a condom, not everything stays in Vegas!
#Two and a Half Men #Alan Harper
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If you love someone, you have to let them go
RoseYou need to explain to him that if you love someone, you have to let them go. If they come back, they're yours. If they don't, then you stalk them.
#Two and a Half Men #Rose
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I feel for you.
CharlieBoy, I feel for you. Unfortunately, the feeling is nausea.
#Two and a Half Men #Charlie Harper
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Alcohol is poison.
CharlieAlcohol is poison.
JakeIf it's poison, then why do you drink it?
CharlieBecause there are things inside of me that I need to kill.
#Two and a Half Men #Charlie Harper #Jake Harper
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Never, ever, ever again.
CharlieNever, ever, ever again.
BertaYou gonna quit drinkin'?
CharlieDon't be ridiculous.
CharlieI'm gonna quit wakin' up.
#Two and a Half Men #Berta #Charlie Harper
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Love isn't blind, it's retarded.
CharlieLove isn't blind, it's retarded.
#Two and a Half Men #Charlie Harper
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Alcohol is for people who can afford to lose a few...
CharlieAlcohol is for people who can afford to lose a few brain-cells.
#Two and a Half Men #Charlie Harper
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My weirdness bar for chicks is pretty high
CharlieOK, I gotta tell you, my weirdness bar for chicks is pretty high... but you are clearing it in street shoes.
#Two and a Half Men #Charlie Harper
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Can you put sunblock on my back?
PrudenceCan you put sunblock on my back?
AlanNO!
PrudenceBut if you don't I'll burn!
AlanIf I do...I'LL BURN!
#Two and a Half Men #Alan Harper #Prudence
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What is it that makes relationships so difficult?
WaldenWhat is it that makes relationships so difficult?
AlanWomen.
#Two and a Half Men #Alan Harper #Walden Schmidt
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Would you like to go see a bunch of naked boobs?
CharlieWould you like to go see a bunch of naked boobs?
JakeThis was a dirty trick, Uncle Charlie.
#Two and a Half Men #Charlie Harper #Jake Harper
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I thought I'd visit the people I love.
EvelynI was showing a house, and I thought I'd visit the people I love.
AlanAnd they weren't home?
#Two and a Half Men #Alan Harper #Evelyn Harper
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I wish there were a better way to deal with Mom
AlanI wish there were a better way to deal with Mom.
CharlieThere is, but we're both too pretty for jail.
#Two and a Half Men #Alan Harper #Charlie Harper
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