Alan Harper Quotes
24 gags from Two and a Half Men
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That's your big secret?
AlanWait a minute, that's your big secret? Alcohol?CharlieDon't tell anybody.AlanIsn't that just a temporary solution?CharlieIt's only temporary if you stop drinking. -
Be sure to wear a condom, not everything stays in...
AlanBe sure to wear a condom, not everything stays in Vegas! -
Can you put sunblock on my back?
PrudenceCan you put sunblock on my back?AlanNO!PrudenceBut if you don't I'll burn!AlanIf I do...I'LL BURN! -
What is it that makes relationships so difficult?
WaldenWhat is it that makes relationships so difficult?AlanWomen. -
I thought I'd visit the people I love.
EvelynI was showing a house, and I thought I'd visit the people I love.AlanAnd they weren't home? -
I wish there were a better way to deal with Mom
AlanI wish there were a better way to deal with Mom.CharlieThere is, but we're both too pretty for jail. -
Charlie, there is a half-naked woman in our kitchen.
AlanCharlie, there is a half-naked woman in our kitchen.CharlieWhich half? -
Girls in my school think they can control the world
JakeGirls in my school think they can control the world just because they have boobs.AlanI hate to tell you... but they kinda do. -
Money does not buy happiness.
WaldenTrust me. Money does not buy happiness.AlanI wouldn't know. I've never had either. -
I feel like the universe is playing some horrible...
AlanI feel like the universe is playing some horrible practical joke on me.CharlieWow, I lost 8000 dollar playing poker, I have no idea where my car is, threw up in my mouth three times, and I'm still having a better night than you are.