Two and a Half Men
The funniest Quotes & GIFs
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Love her
JakeDo you know anything about geometry?KandiWell, I know it's what you say when you turn into a tree. Get it? Gee, I'm a tree. -
I love you, not your money
MiaI love you, not your money or car or your house or your skills in bed.CharlieWhat's left? -
You're praying for a good grade?
AlanYou're praying for a good grade?JakeI'm praying for the teacher to get sick. -
He thinks with his penis
AlanYou have to forgive my brother. He thinks with his penis and his penis isn't very bright. -
![Berta and Alan Harper in Two and a Half Men: “[seeing Alan's swollen eye] Great googooly moogoolies! What the hell happened to you? I'm not sure..”](https://cdn.tvgag.com/content/quotes/4085_500.jpg)
What the hell happened to you?
Berta[seeing Alan's swollen eye] Great googooly moogoolies! What the hell happened to you?AlanI'm not sure..BertaLooks like you got bitten in the face by one of them Ebola monkeys.AlanI don't think so, Berta.BertaI mean, you were not exactly eye candy going in but... now. Woof! You could scare the flies off a manure truck! -
Oh, this looks interesting
AlanOh, this looks interesting: "Two-bedroom, needs work, up-and-coming neighborhood." Wh-- what does that mean, uh, "up-and-coming neighborhood"?EvelynIt means the realtor couldn't move the house saying "drug-ravaged battlefield". -
I think you're getting senile.
JakeI think you're getting senile.JudithWatch your mouth, young man!JakeI can't watch it. It's under my nose. -
You mean child you
CharlieJust practicing... -
You look a lot like my fifth husband.
EvelynYou look a lot like my fifth husband.NormanReally? How many times you been married?EvelynFour. -
I have a firm rule when it comes to sleeping with...
CharlieI have a firm rule when it comes to sleeping with married women.BertaYeah, if she's firm enough, he'll do it. -
Show some respect
JakeWhere's the dead guy?AlanJake, show a little respect.JakeWhere's the dead guy, sir? -
I think I forgot something.
AlanI think I forgot something.CharlieIf you forgot, isn't important.AlanYeah, you're right. -
Should I change?
AlanShould I change?CharlieYou should but after all these years I doubt you will. -
I'm sleeping.
JakeI'm sleeping.CharlieSleep in school, like everybody else. -
Don't you think you've had enough
JudithDon't you think you've had enough to drink at the magic show, Evelyn?EvelynExcuse me, darling, but some of us deal with our boredom and depression the old-fashioned, non-prescription way. -
Classic Charlie
AlanI feel sorry that your heart has become so hard and small, that you've lost the capacity to connect with another human being on any level any more meaningful, than the inebriated exchange of bodily fluids.CharlieBoy, leave it to you to take a beautiful thing like drunken sex and make it sound dirty. -
What are you afraid of?
AlanWhat are you afraid of?CharlieI'm afraid I'm gonna hit you so hard, I'll be an only-child. -
Oh, honey, don't get me started.
JakeBerta, does Prudence have a boyfriend?BertaOh, honey, don't get me started.JakeWhat does that mean?BertaIt means: If she gets a high school diploma before she gets a baby, she'll be the first one in the family. -
We judge a person by what's inside
AlanWe judge a person by what's inside and not by what they wear.JakeLucky for you, huh? -
It's not that I don't care
CharlieIt's not that I don't care about what you want. It's just that you're a kid. What you want doesn't matter.