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If I had to have a stripper's name
LeslieI've gone on record that if I had to have a stripper's name, it would be Equality. -
Look, a clock.
RonLook, a clock. We don't have that in America. -
The Ron Swanson book club.
RonI hate metaphors. That's why my favorite book is Moby Dick! No froo-froo symbolism, just a good, simple tale about a man who hates an animal. -
Are you a couple?
RachelAre you a couple?LeslieNo, tragically, we are both heterosexual. -
I've never taken the high road.
TomI've never taken the high road. But I tell other people to. 'Cause then there's more room for me on the low road. -
Dear frozen yogurt
RonDear frozen yogurt, you are the celery of desserts. Be ice cream or be nothing. Zero stars. -
Do we have to sit like this?
TomDo we have to sit like this? -
I'm making a mac and cheese pizza.
BenI'm making a mac and cheese pizza.LeslieMac and cheese pizza! You're making that? -
I don't even have time to tell you how wrong you are.
BenOk I don't even have time to tell you how wrong you are. Actually, it's gonna bug me if I don't. -
There are no consequences to my actions
LeslieThere are no consequences to my actions anymore. No matter what I do...literally nothing bad can happen to me. I'm like a white male U.S.senator. -
Hello shrimp!
Jean-RalphioHello shrimp!RonRethink that move, son. -
Don't worry, babe, I'll protect you.
AndyDon't worry, babe, I'll protect you. I got stung once, I'm immune. Go ahead and sting me, bees. It does nothing! -
And you can trust me.
JenniferAnd you can trust me. Because I don't care enough about you to lie. -
I was completely flustered.
BenI was completely flustered. I came off like an idiot. I mean, at one point, for no reason, I just took off my shoes and held them in my hand. -
One time my refrigerator stopped working
TomOne time my refrigerator stopped working, I didn't know what to do. I just moved. -
Look, I don't have a lot of time.
NedLook, I don't have a lot of time.BenOh, God. I'm so sorry. Is it... cancer?NedNo, I don't have a lot of time before my swim aerobics. -
On my side, I have facts, science, and reason.
LeslieOn my side, I have facts, science, and reason. All he has is fear-mongering. Oh, my God, he's gonna win. -
You spent over $1,000 last year
JJYou spent over $1,000 last year on waffles alone. -
You know what makes a good person good?
LeslieI'm guilty. I did something bad. I'm a bad person.RonIt's not that simple. You know what makes a good person good? When a good person does something bad, they own up to it. They try to learn something from it, and they move on. -
Yes, I am a hunter.
DonnaYes, I am a hunter. And it's you season.