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  • Mia and Charlie Harper in Two and a Half Men: “I love you, not your money or car or your house or your skills in bed. What's left?” I love you, not your money
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  • Alan Harper and Jake Harper in Two and a Half Men: “You're praying for a good grade? I'm praying for the teacher to get sick.” You're praying for a good grade?
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  • Alan Harper in Two and a Half Men: “You have to forgive my brother. He thinks with his penis and his penis isn't very bright.” He thinks with his penis
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  • Berta and Alan Harper in Two and a Half Men: “[seeing Alan's swollen eye] Great googooly moogoolies! What the hell happened to you? I'm not sure..” What the hell happened to you?
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  • Alan Harper and Evelyn Harper in Two and a Half Men: “Oh, this looks interesting: Two-bedroom, needs work, up-and-coming neighborhood.” Oh, this looks interesting
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  • Jake Harper and Judith Harper in Two and a Half Men: “I think you're getting senile. Watch your mouth, young man! I can't watch it.” I think you're getting senile.
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  • Charlie Harper in Two and a Half Men: “Just practicing...” You mean child you
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  • Evelyn Harper and Norman in Two and a Half Men: “You look a lot like my fifth husband. Really? How many times you been married? Four.” You look a lot like my fifth husband.
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  • Charlie Harper and Berta in Two and a Half Men: “I have a firm rule when it comes to sleeping with married women. Yeah, if she's firm enough...” I have a firm rule when it comes to sleeping with married women.
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  • Evelyn Harper and Charlie Harper in Veep: “And I want an unadorned headstone that reads simply, Evelyn Harper: Loving wife, devoted mother.” I want an unadorned headstone
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  • Jake Harper and Alan Harper in Two and a Half Men: “Where's the dead guy? Jake, show a little respect. Where's the dead guy, sir?” Show some respect
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  • Alan Harper and Charlie Harper in Two and a Half Men: “I think I forgot something. If you forgot, isn't important. Yeah, you're right.” I think I forgot something.
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  • Alan Harper and Charlie Harper in Two and a Half Men: “Should I change? You should but after all these years I doubt you will.” Should I change?
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  • Jake Harper and Charlie Harper in Two and a Half Men: “I'm sleeping. Sleep in school, like everybody else.” I'm sleeping.
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  • Judith Harper and Evelyn Harper in Two and a Half Men: “Don't you think you've had enough to drink at the magic show, Evelyn?” Don't you think you've had enough
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  • Alan Harper and Charlie Harper in Two and a Half Men: “I feel sorry that your heart has become so hard and small, that you've lost the capacity...” Classic Charlie
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  • Alan Harper and Charlie Harper in Two and a Half Men: “What are you afraid of? I'm afraid I'm gonna hit you so hard, I'll be an only-child.” What are you afraid of?
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  • Jake Harper and Berta in Two and a Half Men: “Berta, does Prudence have a boyfriend? Oh, honey, don't get me started. What does that mean?” Oh, honey, don't get me started.
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  • Alan Harper and Jake Harper in Two and a Half Men: “We judge a person by what's inside and not by what they wear. Lucky for you, huh?” We judge a person by what's inside
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  • Charlie Harper in Two and a Half Men: “It's not that I don't care about what you want. It's just that you're a kid. What you want doesn't matter.” It's not that I don't care
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